Most parents often parent subconsciously, and when we do, it's usually driven by fear. There are three common ways fear can influence our parenting:

1. Fear of losing control over our child.
2. Fear of losing our child’s love.
3. Fear because we feel uncertain or unprepared in our parenting.

Parenting from a place of fear can lead to anger, sadness, and dismissal.

A more effective approach is to parent with love. I find that acronyms and mnemonics help me remember important principles, especially since my memory isn’t the best. One that I use for parenting is SACRAL:

• Serene and Authoritative Demeanor: Cultivating a serene yet authoritative demeanor is essential for clear thinking and effective communication. This is especially challenging if your children tend to trigger strong reactions in you. If you grew up with a parent who was easily triggered, you might find yourself struggling with the same issue. The Happier Mom Celebration Journal can support you in this journey. With patience and consistent practice, you can overcome these triggers and foster a more peaceful interaction with your children. 
• As parents, losing our temper occasionally is inevitable. However, what truly matters is not striving for perfection, but being willing to apologize when it happens. Apologizing demonstrates humility and the importance of accountability, teaching your children that it's okay to admit when we're wrong. This not only builds trust but also shows them that you respect their feelings and are committed to growing and improving as a parent.
• If your child loses control of their emotions, it’s better to wait until they've calmed down before engaging, even if it means enduring their cries or blocking their kicks in the meantime. Allowing them to express their emotions is healthy, as long as no one is getting hurt and nothing is being damaged. You can simply acknowledge what they're feeling and let them know you’ll be ready to talk once they’re calm.
• Abilities: Focus on nurturing your child’s abilities and growth, offering support without excessive praise, instead of fixating on their challenges. None of us are perfect, and neither are our children. If you experienced harsh criticism or even physical punishment growing up, you can break the cycle by building your child’s confidence through positive reinforcement.
• Choice, Control, and Confidence: Offer your child as much choice, control, and confidence as possible. Shifting your mindset to allow your child more autonomy may take time and patience, but it’s essential. Children are not our possessions; they are gifts with their own gifts to offer the world, which can be stifled by excessive control.
• Reasonable Rules: Establish rules that make sense. If you’ve ever experienced a parent enforcing rules without explanation or resorting to “because I said so,” you’ll know how frustrating it can be. Be ready to explain the reasons behind your rules and weigh the pros and cons if necessary. Also, be open to negotiation, as long as it doesn’t infringe on your own rights. This approach fosters understanding and cooperation, making it easier for everyone to adhere to the rules.
• Remember that children learn by watching you. If you expect them to follow certain rules, demonstrate those behaviors yourself. Consistently modeling respect, honesty, and responsibility shows that the rules apply to everyone, not just them. This builds trust and reinforces the importance of the rules, making it more likely they’ll follow them willingly.
• Adapt to Their Needs: Life is full of twists and turns, and parenting is no different. A fixed mindset will leave you stuck, but a growth mindset that adapts to your child’s evolving needs will help you navigate challenges and move forward.
• Listen and Love Unconditionally: To love your child unconditionally, you first need to love yourself unconditionally, so you aren’t triggered by your child’s actions. The Happier Mom Celebration Journal can assist with this. Pay attention to your child’s stress tolerance as well as their verbal and non-verbal cues, validate their emotions especially when they are upset, and respond to their needs with love, not reactions. Love your child for who they are, not for fulfilling your expectations. Loving a child unconditionally means letting go of ego-driven traits like judgment, arrogance, bitterness, and stubbornness (I call these JABS—against others and yourself).

Children also need love languages, which I remember using the acronym TAMPA:

• Time spent together
• Affirmatory words
• Material gifts
• Physical touch (eg., high fives, hugs, kisses, massages, and back scratches)
• Acts of service

Here’s an example of SACRAL parenting in action:

On the drive back from our San Diego vacation, my daughter was eager to listen to Taylor Swift. While her music tastes don’t always match mine, I’ve come to embrace her preferences. With a two-and-a-half-hour journey ahead, I knew I needed music that would keep me focused and relaxed. Instead of getting frustrated when my daughter changed my favorite SiriusXM stations, I calmly listened to her concerns. She suggested a compromise: having popcorn in the car. My initial thought was the inevitable mess, knowing I’d likely be the one cleaning it up. But I realized it was a fair trade—I could enjoy my music while they enjoyed their snack. A few minutes of cleanup was a small price to pay for a peaceful drive with music I loved. In the process, I gave my children both choice and control, and I managed to express all five love languages: we spent quality time together, I purchased the popcorn for them, I praised them for making the popcorn and eating it quietly, I gave them high-fives for coming to a compromise, and I performed an act of service by driving home.